Loss

Primrose E

A piece of news sometimes can be chucked into your life like a grenade, blasting your reality into a million disbelieving fragments. Your whole being resists it, like water droplets, unabsorbed, on a polished surface. This can’t be happening says your mind. This can’t be true. It is just not possible.

In July 2012 my sister was diagnosed with cancer; non-Hodgkins lymphoma. She had never been sick a day in her life. She was a person full of energy and enthusiasm, unbelievably fit for her age, living life to the full. It just couldn’t be possible that this bombshell could be true, and yet at the same time my sinking heart knew that it was.

The evening before she phoned me with the news I had had what I can only call a premonition. I was in the kitchen cooking supper when out of nowhere a realisation suddenly filled me. It entered my mind with a tremendous impact; a vivid inescapable awareness: my sister might die. It brought tears to my eyes. I gave myself a shake and asked myself what on earth was the matter with me. Where had such a thought come from? I tried to shrug it off but the feeling had been far too intense. It wasn’t even a thought, it was a sudden inescapable realisation.

It was the next morning that she phoned me and told me about the lump she had found. Two days later she was in hospital. I’ve thought back many times to my ‘premonition’. It wasn’t unlike the time many years ago when I lived in Canada and she was in England and I had three successive dreams that she was pregnant. I received a letter from her two days after the third dream telling me just this. She was forty at the time and the pregnancy was an accident and completely unplanned. I had no way of knowing or suspecting it. I was completely floored and got shivers up my back when I read her letter and thought about my dreams. There’s no doubt we had a strong connection and I’m sure that when I had the premonition about her dying I was actually picking up on her own fears. I think she already suspected something but, as was her way, didn’t want to worry anyone.

My sister died on January the fifth this year. I still can’t believe she’s gone. I will never comprehend why or how it came to be. I still have so much anger that fate saw fit to end her life so suddenly. It probably helps if one has some sort of faith, but I don’t; I have no time for conventional religion. I remember at the funeral the vicar saying something about ‘And those who believeth in me shall never die’ and I thought well that lets me out then. I did ask her during her illness if she was frightened of dying. She half grinned at me and said, ‘No, I’m smug enough to think I’ve lived a good life and I’m going somewhere good.’ And if anyone should go somewhere good, she should.

The one thing I shall be forever grateful for was the time I managed to steal with her during that last eighteen months. I flew back to England from France many times and spent many weeks with her. I lost all interest in blogging and all my creative stuff during that time. I just had no incentive or spirit to do it any more. Now I seem to have at last found the need to write again. 

 

Author: Jude

Hello Visitors I'm Jude, and I have a profusion of interests and a passion for motorcycling. I lean towards Buddhism and love silence. I hope you may enjoy some of my musings and meanderings, and if so I'd love to hear your comments.

21 thoughts on “Loss”

  1. i had wondered/missed your absence, and i totally understand about that hollow void.  after a string of disappointments, i quit painting for five or six years.. it just wasn’t there, and when i attempted to resume, my paintings turned muddy.

    if the joy is missing from our hearts, it feels false when we try to force any creative outlets.. at least that’s how it was for me!  my drawings were strong, but all else – yuck!

    i’m so sorry for your loss, and you surely feel as if the scripts got mixed up.  one of my sisters and i have that strong invisible cord that stretches between us.  it’s like a little gift from life.

    welcome back, lisa/z

    ________________________________

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    1. Thank you so much Lisa. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that if the joy is missing from our hearts then it feels false. My creative heart was certainly empty. It seems to be returning now and the spring sunshine is helping too.

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  2. Thanks Tiramit, I felt a need to let any of my old blog followers know why I’d been away so long. A new start now. Hope you are well.

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  3. hi Jude, so good to see you back, I am glad you have written about your experience, the sadness, the mysteries, life and death happening, I often thought of you and hoped to hear your voice again … so sorry for your loss, but glad you are back to writing, spring bringing new life … Christine xx

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    1. Ah thanks Christine. It has been a horrible time but one can’t go on feeling sad and preoccupied forever. Readings from my Buddhism book have helped a lot – they help with many things! The spring has sprung and there is so much life all around us here in the woods, and that is a great joy. Thank you for your kind words. Jude xx

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  4. I’m so sorry Jude. I remember you mentioning that she was sick. I also lack for faith. It is a growing part of who I am, or am not.
    So, so sorry.

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  5. Thanks Mike. I think the most difficult part was watching the whole thing unfold knowing there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it. You feel so helpless. I have a lovely photo of her beside me and I talk to her every day. And the sun still comes up and goes down, and sometimes I wonder how that can be. Hugs xx

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  6. Thank you for sharing, Jude, especially the last part. It took me 4 to 5 months to go back to blogging when my ex girlfriend broke up with me. All I can say that it’s the way of life. It blows. It’s hard to accept – the times that we could had been with the person that had gone away from us. I hope you continue to muster all that you have to carry on. I wish you the best. Hugs.

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    1. Thanks Rommel, yes life can be tough sometimes. I think the depth of sadness, or grief (for me) is directly related to the depth of feeling/closeness I had for that person. Also I often think that emotional wounds are no different to physical ones, some are serious and take way longer to heal. With emotions you just don’t see the bruises.

      Anyway I am ‘mustering’ and it’s good to be back to blogging and re-connecting with friends like you!:)

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  7. it would feel wrong to ‘like’ this post but your honesty of narrative conveys grief so much clearer than fancy words. A shocking loss and words like sorry seem silly but well-meant – glad you are back blogging though

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  8. Your sister sounds like such a gift to life, and that is so special ~ both you and her are very lucky to have had such a tremendous bond. To know and love such a great person in life is to have the power to make it a great life. Wonderful post. Touching and inspirational. Yet still need to say sorry for your sadness. Take care.

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    1. Thank you Dalo, for your message, and also thank you for the follow on my blog. I have already discovered your blog through Rommel (The Sophomore Slump) who follows you and featured your blog on his last post. Absolutely wonderful images! I shall be back to yours in a minute to click the ‘follow’ button.

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    1. Ah no probs Kris, tis one of those things in life I guess. The sun still comes up and the moon still comes out and we’re forced to keep moving forwards. And I have some amazing and vivid memories of the time I grabbed with my Sis in that last eighteen months, and I am so grateful for that. Hugs back to you.

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